


A Reconsideration

by TheApothecary



Series: A Reconsideration [1]
Category: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Genre: Chaydinhal Mages Guild, Gen, M/M, Mages Guild
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 08:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15968927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheApothecary/pseuds/TheApothecary
Summary: Falcar, the chapter head of the Cheydinhal Mages Guild, doesn’t like new recruits. Things don’t go as planned with a new apprentice who has come to get his recommendation. And if by not going to plan you’re thinking the guy fell in love then you get a gold star.This is literally just for me because I don’t know how many other people like Falcar other than me. Why do I like the assholes? I don’t know. Is this some form of self-indulgent bad guy becomes less of an ass because he falls for someone? Yes. Let me have this. I don’t know how much I’ll write of this. It’s probably going to be pretty short.The first chapter of this will be Falcar writing in his journal. The second through ? chapters are all written in your normal storytelling third person.





	A Reconsideration

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter is in the works, but I will preface this first chapter with the note that this story may or may not be finished. Because this story is more for me than anyone else, I'm not so set on completing it. If anyone shows interest then I might be encouraged to complete this short story.
> 
> Imagine this written in some nice, probably cursive in style handwriting. I wrote this out in the font Calligraffiti on Google docs if you're looking for a reference to have in mind.

30 First Seed, 3E 433

A Bosmer arrived today as the Hall. He called himself Silvan. He, of course, came for his recommendation. I wanted to laugh at him. There’s no way he as any real magical talent.. He is the tamest Wood Elf I’ve ever encountered. He talks as quietly as he moves and it feels like he’s full of kindness. It’s repulsing. I told him he would need to recover the Ring of Burden from the well behind the Hall and to talk with Deetsan to get the key. That lizard thought I was out of earshot when they spoke, but I was in the alcove under them, hidden in the shadows. She’s concerned something happened to that other apprentice. What was his name? He was a Nord, a dense one. He surely drowned in the well while trying to retrieve the ring. If this Bosmer fails to return then Deetsan might become suspicious. I’ll have to find a way to deal with her.

Silvan told Deetsan not to do anything. He caught on that she would talk to me. Normally she wouldn’t be so confrontational, but she sounded frantic when talking to the Bosmer. He told her not to talk to me and to wait. He apparently knows a water breathing spell and a feather spell, or he assured her that he did. She provided him with a spell that combines both to “be safe.” Hah. He’ll drown in that well. He said he’s going to go out in the morning being that it was late evening when they were talking.

He--the Bosmer--is the only one to sleep in the basement. There are several beds in the room next to mine, but the other’s sleep in their beds on the second floor. I thought there was an empty bed up there, but perhaps I’m wrong. I rarely go up there anymore. He wished me sweet dreams. I can’t wait for him to die.

 

31 First Seed, 3E 433

The Bosmer is still lives. I was behind the desk facing the front doors when he walked in, soaking wet. Deetsan was happy to see him. I was not. He said that that Nord, Vidkun, was dead in the well. I felt the panic rise in me when he said it. Deetsan looked about ready to yell at me until the Bosmer told her that it appeared the Nord had slammed his head against a rock while navigating through the well. He apologized for upsetting everyone with the news. He even offered to handle the body so no one who knew the Nord would have to be saddened by the sight. He set the ring on the desk after everyone walked off and smiled at me before he left to the Chapel to talk about inturning the body with the priest. That smug tree climber. He knows I’m responsible for that Nord’s death. What is he playing at? I will have to confront him. If I have to kill him maybe I tell everyone he left for a different city. No one will notice if he went missing.

 

2 Rain’s Hand, 3E 433

I confronted the Bosmer yesterday. He’s been hard to corner. He was able to get the priest to preserve the Nords body like they do in Skyrim. Something about how it’s important to treat the dead properly based on their culture to appease their spirit or some rot. He’s also been studying and doing research. I don’t know what about and I don’t care, but the others try to talk to him about it. He doesn’t seem the talkative sort, but the others always get to him before I can. It feels almost as if they’re trying to protect him from me so they don’t lose another precious member of the Guild.

He was actually the one that came to me yesterday. He wanted to make sure I was okay after the discovery of the body and tell me that I can take as much time as I need to recover before attempting to write a recommendation. As if any of this has been traumatic! He had walked into my room while I had the door open, so I slammed the door and demanded to know what he was playing at. He looked confused, but I’m sure he’s just a good liar. He asked what I meant and I confessed to him about the Nord. That I was the one that made sure he drowned because the ring was to be impossible for an apprentice to carry out of that well without sufficient training or potion. I yelled so loud, I’m surprised no one came to see what the fuss was about. I asked him what he wanted because he must intend to blackmail me after such a foolish outburst.

He looked amused. He said he didn’t want anything. He thought it was an honest mistake that I had made the ring too difficult a test for a new apprentice. He didn’t think I should get in trouble because I didn’t know how to teach. The gall! How dare he insult me! He didn’t say it, but it was implied. How could he not have implied that? I told him to get out and he wished me goodnight. I can’t stand how polite he is. Aren’t Wood Elves supposed to be cannibalistic savages?

 

10 Rain’s Hand, 3E 433

It’s been two weeks and Silvan is still here. It would make sense for him to move on by now to the next Guild Hall to get a recommendation as I’ve already sent mine. He says he likes it in Cheydinhal. He’s fallen into a predictable schedule much like anyone does when they have become comfortable-too comfortable perhaps.

He wakes in the morning and eats in the main room of the basement. I often walk out of my room to see him eating and reading from a book. He greets me every morning as I sit down. Occasionally he’ll have a plate set for me at my usual spot already adorned with my usual breakfast. I feel that he’s planning something and is trying to get in my good graces. It won’t work. Rarely do we talk in the morning. The silence is strangely agreeable. He does ask the odd question when we do speak in the mornings. It’s always about something magical that he wants an explanation to or has further questions on that whatever he has read doesn’t address. Because I am still the head of this Hall, I play my part and answer what I can. He’s very good at coming up with questions I don’t have the answers to and have never thought about. He’s smarter than he lets on. This could be dangerous.

After eating, he goes upstairs or stays downstairs to do research. He practices spells inside, but anything dangerous he does outside behind the hall. He appeared to spend equal time between each if he doesn’t get completely distracted by his research. Now he’s gotten in the habit of training only a few days a week when he can manage to pry himself away from a book. This used to last until midday when he would eat, but it only lasted a few days before someone had to start reminding him he needed to eat.. One day I walked upstairs to find Trayvond and Uurwen discussing whether or not Silvan would eat if food were placed close enough to him. Deetsan almost scolded them for it, but we both watched as the two put a plate of food on the table then slowly began to nudge it closer to the Bosmer to see at what distance would be close enough for him to reach out for the food. He did actually reach for it once it seemed to enter his peripheral vision. This is now how the members of the Hall make sure that he eats. How pathetic can he get? He had to be watched by the members of this Hall as though they are his guardians.

He spends the rest of the day until dinner either researching or walking. He’ll wander the Guild Hall, but mostly he goes to walk around Cheydinhal. He doesn’t walk with anyone. One time Deetsan accompanied him, but only because she wanted to go to a shop and the Bosmer agreed to have the company. He has asked me on a few occasions if I wanted to take a walk with him around the town. I told him each time to ask someone who would want to spend time with him. He does act differently whenever I refuse to walk with him. Usually, he’ll sit next to me at dinner, but whenever he asks to walk and I say no he will sit one seat away from me. He pretends to act solemn about it all. I see him enough throughout the day, why should I see him any more than I have to? He sits near me when he goes to study and only doesn’t follow after me because he gets engrossed in his books and writing. I’ve caught him staring at me on a few occasion. He just smiles and goes back to his studies. He’s mocking me and trying to get under my skin. I can’t wait for him to leave.

 

26 Rain’s Hand, 3E 433

I relented today. Today marks the eighth straight day that that damned Wood Elf has asked me to take a walk with him. He’s been unusually kind to me since my last entry. I can’t say it is because he has read this journal because I keep my room and my desk locked. I think he may be leaving the hall soon, but not soon enough. He’s made up my breakfast for the last eight days as well as dinner for the entire hall. I admit, he does know how to cook. Every day after dinner he has asked if I would accompany him on his walk. I have said no every day up until today. It was beginning to wear on my nerves and Deetsan told me that if I obliged just one time then Silvan would leave me be. Thus I agreed.

We stuck primarily near the water and bridges. Silvan smiled the entire time like he had just won a competition. It’s the biggest I think I’ve seen him smile, which isn’t all that big. We lingered on the bridges a few times, looking over the water or the stars. I caught him looking at me a few times again. Must he rub his little accomplishments in my face?

 

13 Second Seed, 3E 433

Silvan has finally said that he will be leaving at the end of this month for Bruma. It is the last Guild Hall he needs to go to for a recommendation before he will be allowed into the Arcane University. I have gotten used to him being around, much to my own disgust. I have taken three walks with him. He finally started to talk on the last one. His questions weren’t about magic. They were all personal, but nothing intrusive. He asked me about my day, my favorite books and authors, my favorite parts of Cheydinhal and Cyrodiil, and some trivial questions about what I liked. I answered them all, of course. I am disappointed to say that I relaxed while talking at one point and went off on a tangent. Silvan seemed amused by it and genuinely interested, which is strange. He’s very strange.

 

18 Second Seed, 3E 433

Deetsan has taken to calling Silvan’s smiles soft smiles. According to her, his smiles are small and gentle, which apparently means they are soft. Or something akin to that. I stopped paying attention. She’s become sentimental since Silvan announced when he would leave. I only tuned in when she stopped talking. She had been looking at me to get my attention before she told me that Silvan gives me the softest of his soft smiles. I’m not entirely sure what that means and I am still confused by it as I write this. She told me to pay more attention and maybe I will understand. I often wonder how this woman was allowed to join this stupid Guild.

 

27 Second Seed, 3E 433

Deetsan was right. I thought she was just making senseless chatter when she said it, but she was right. On the 20th I had little to do and Deetsan’s words floated into my head while I was pondering what to do. I almost laughed at those stupid words, but I had nothing better to do than observe the members of the Hall. I paid attention to Silvan in particular. He doesn’t always smile. He doesn’t smile at his books, at his writings, or when he masters a spell or practices a well-known one. He doesn’t always smile when he talks with people. He greets people with a smile, but he stops smiling when he seems to be mentally exhausted from a conversation or the conversation becomes deep in the sense of magical discussion or research.

I admit I did grow bored watching him and I let my eyes wander over the books on the shelf next to me. When I looked back at Silvan I caught him looking at me and he smiled. Deetsan was right. I don’t know how to put into words how differently he smiled at me than at anyone else he had spoken to that day. I tried to act normal and grabbed for a book, but he wasn’t looking at me when I turned around.

After dinner, he asked if I could accompany him on a walk and I agreed but said I had a few errands to run while we were out. That was a lie. I needed to know if I had just been seeing things. Maybe he smiled like that at others and I didn’t know it until it was directed at me. We went to two shops and an inn. He smiled at no one the way he did early in the day. In fact, I caught him looking at me a few times on our walk with that same damned smile on his face. I’ve spent every day since then analyzing the way he smiles at people. My theory was wrong. I don’t understand. Why does he look at me like that?

 

1 Mid Year, 3E 433

Silvan left today. He had planned to leave yesterday, but a storm moved in and prevented him from leaving. He spent the entire day with the other members of the Hall. He told them about the other trials he went through for his recommendations at the other Guild Halls before this one. He also told them about the other places he had been through in Cyrodiil and the little adventures he had had. It was the most he had spoken. They all made food and a fire in the basement to gather around to talk. It appeared that Silvan enjoyed telling the other’s his stories, but he looked exhausted after talking about the first two Guild Halls.

They kept him trapped there nearly the entire day until dinner. I shooed them all off telling them that Silvan would need to eat then go to sleep so he would have the energy to travel and that they had heard enough stories. They all moved upstairs and Deetsan offered to make dinner. Silvan thanked me and I brushed it off by saying I was growing tired of hearing him talk. He laughed. It was the first time I’ve heard him laugh.

He offered me the empty seat next to him and I took it. I don’t know what compelled me to. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn’t. We talked a little. He asked me about Bruma and I told him what I could remember. I warned how bitter cold it was since it was so close to the border with Skyrim and that the chapter head, Jeanne, wasn’t worthy of the title wizard. He laughed again and I felt something. I felt almost nauseous, but it wasn’t bad. I did most of the talking after that. Much more than I needed to when it came to a city mostly occupied by Nords. I hadn’t realized that Silvan had fallen asleep until he didn’t respond to a question. I carried him to bed.

This morning he hugged everyone goodbye and said he would miss them. He said he would try to write, but couldn’t promise it. I was the last person he approached. He didn’t seem sure whether to hug me or not. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I wanted him to. It must have shown on my face when I saw him start to raise just one of his hands. How have I gotten so attached to a lowly apprentice? He smiled that same damned smile he always does at me and hugged me. I… I didn’t want to let go. Something is very wrong with me. I must be getting sick. There is no other explanation for my actions. I am a necromancer. I cannot become attached to a person who seems to be so devoted to a group that I have come to loathe.

Have I become attached to him? It doesn’t matter now. He’s left and it’s unlikely he will come back. It is for the best because it should stomp out whatever flimsy little attachment that may exist if one exists.

 

12 Mid Year, 3E 433

It has taken me many days to come to the conclusion that Silvan liked me. Not simply as a fellow member of this awful Guild, not as a friend, but as a romantic interest. He has or perhaps had feelings for me. I’m not sure why, but thinking of that makes me feel warm. I’m not sure that I have had a friend in this Gods forsaken guild in many years; nevertheless, someone who was attracted to me. I felt almost giddy at this realization before I caught myself and corrected the reaction. I am disgusted… or at least I should be.

 

2 Sun’s Height, 3E 433

I can admit this to no one else. I have a hard time admitting it to myself. I miss that stupid Bosmer. I cannot believe I miss him. He was nothing but a nuisance. I still believe that he will blackmail me for what I did to that Nord. Maybe he’ll even tell Traven when he gets to the University. Something in me tells me he won’t, but he likely will. I can’t trust him or any of these worthless so-called mages. They all want necromancy wiped out. They would wipe me out of existence if given the chance. They think necromancy is nothing but evil. I will show them evil. I will assist Mannimarco in raising an undead army the likes all of Nirn has never seen.

I’m sure Silvan detests necromancy like the rest of them. Why wouldn’t he? We never covered the topic now that I think of it. We never actually talked much about conjuration or mysticism. He skirted around the topic whenever someone else asked him about it. Maybe he doesn’t detest necromancy. But I still cannot understand how I could miss that damned tree lover. He did nothing but pester me with his questions and his smiles and his existence and his niceties. I can still see him smiling at me especially at night when I close my eyes and can’t find something to think about until I am tired. His damnable soft smile and the way the corner of his eyes crinkled just a little bit as he did it. It was almost shy how he would look away from me whenever I caught him. Shy and warm. Sometimes I hoped he wouldn’t look away so soon after I spotted him. Sometimes I wished… Arkay, help me.

 

19 Sun’s Height, 3E 433

Two letters arrived this morning. Both are from Silvan. The first was addressed to the entire guild to be read out loud. Trayvond took the letter and read it. Silvan had been at the Arcane University since the 8th of Sun’s Height. He told of what happened at the Bruma Guild Hall and how he had wanted to stay longer, but it was too cold for him to bear. He said he had been enjoying the Imperial City, was amazed by all that the Arcane University offers, and was pleased to announce he had obtained his mage’s staff. There had been more, but my mind could only focus on the part about his staff. Between the 8th and when Silvan had surely sent these letters, necromancers under the King of Worms were to attack Wellspring Cave. I had yet to hear word of if the mission was a success or if it had even happened. But instead of those thoughts, my mind was plagued with concern. What is Silvan had arrived and been attacked by the necromancers? Would his views on necromancy be skewed if he was attacked and found the caretakers of the cave slaughtered? Why did I care?

The second letter was addressed to me. It was assumed that the letter was from someone else, so I took it and excused myself to my room in order to read in private should it have been from a fellow necromancer. As I mentioned, it was from Silvan. The letter was longer than the one that was for everyone at the Hall. Four pages longer in fact. Much of it talked about how I had been right about Bruma and the Guild Hall, and about his fascination with the Arcane University. Then he told me something he left out in his letter to the members of this Hall. He had been there when the necromancer’s attacked. He had been in the midst of receiving the wood for a staff when the person helping him was struck down. He was the only survivor. He killed the necromancers that had attacked. And he told me all this in great detail, much greater detail that he needed to. He didn’t want to share this with the others because he didn’t want to worry them about the attack. But he also said that he didn’t want to somehow mention that he felt no ill-will towards necromancers in general and had an interest in necromancy. It was the only thing he didn’t agree with about the University. I am still stunned by having read that. I am even more stunned that the letter ended with Silvan stating that he missed me. Outright stating it and apologizing if it was too forward or unwelcomed. I am unsure how to respond to this or if I should. I am all at once relieved and terrified.

Deetsan informed me later that Silvan had included in his letter that he would be visiting soon. He had included it in my letter, but I hadn’t noticed it because it came after he said he missed me.

He misses me.

Why am I so happy to know this?


End file.
